At a certain point a number of months ago, a space alien appeared on my face, more specifically on my right cheek. It was subtle at first. It looked like 3 or 4 raised lesions, slightly lighter than my skin colour and it was not very obvious. Over the past couple months it became somewhat more pronounced. You may not have noticed this though, as it lived just under the bottom rim of my glasses.
I made a “note to self” to get it checked next time I visited the doctor. I did this. “Hey doc”, I said, “Check out the space alien growing on my face.” “That’s odd,” he said. “Not that I’m necessarily worried about it, but I’m going to send you to a dermatologist.” I was expecting it to take a long time to get a dermatologist appointment, as that is often the case when consulting with a specialist, but in fact it only took a couple weeks.
Friday I sallied forth up to North York to the clinic. It was easy to find. There was a big sign, and there was a parking lot. Of course they charged for parking, and of course the neighbourhood around it was full on no parking signs. I paid up and went in.
I wasn’t sure how long it was going to take to get up to this clinic so I arrived early. Those who know me know I’m early for everything. I rode up the elevator thinking, I guess I have a long wait. After all, how many doctors are on time, right? It turns out I was wrong.
The clinic was hopping. There were several employees behind the desk and loads of people in the waiting room. I checked in, filled out a form and sat down. They called my name moments later, 10 minutes early. I was led into an office and joined the doc just a couple minutes later.
He introduced himself, and got right down to business. “Let me see the thing on your cheek”. He looked at it through a lens, and immediately told me what it was. It had a specific name which I forgot even as he told me, because all I heard was the adjective he used: harmless. “How did I get such a space alien on my face, doc?” “It was a gift from your mom or dad,” Thanks Mom and Dad for the space alien.
“We can get rid of it if you like, but since it’s harmless, there is a fee – $150. If it were harmful, OHIP wold cover it”. I asked the only reasonable question under the circumstances. “How exactly would you get rid of my harmless space alien?” “Well,” he said, “There are two options. If you wanted to get rid of it right away, I would freeze your face, then scrape it off.” This would take care of it, but of course it would leave an open wound to heal up.” Hmmmm. “The other option is to use liquid nitrogen. I could spray it and in a matter of a couple weeks it would disappear.”
“OK doc, I don’t mind paying to send my alien back to Saturn but I’m not a big fan of open wounds.” “OK, we’ll blast it with liquid nitrogen then”. Phazers on stun. He picked up an aerosol can, told me it would sting and then he sprayed the crap out of my cheek. This caused the space alien to look bigger and lighter and angrier and it cause the rest of my cheek to go beet red. “OK, we’re done. If you need a touch-up in a few weeks, I can do that no charge.” I was in his office no more than two minutes.
The stinging disappeared after a time and so did the redness. Now the space alien is starting to look sadder. If Spock were here, he would make contact using a Vulcan mind meld, I just know he would. And the alien would tell him, “I WAS HARMLESS AND NOW IT IS ALL OVER.”