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Bad Movie Night in Long Branch

The other night, with Tuffy P working late bringing home the bacon, I got a wee fire going in the woodstove and turned on the television. Channel 11 often has wonderfully entertaining bad movies playing and this night was no exception. I didn’t know until later this crazy little flick was called Transporter.

It had everything. I tuned in right in the midst of an unbelievable and insane, super-long car chase. It seems the protagonist was a really good driver, a pro whose occupation was delivering bad shit for a load of cash, no questions asked. Naturally he’s a former Special Forces guy (his branch of Special Forces did a lot of driving). Buddy was driving a black BMW and there were cars blowing up everywhere, pedestrians jumping out of the way, and plenty of gunfire. It was a carnival. I confess in real life I’ve recently witnessed guys in BMWs driving insanely on a number of occasions and watching the film, I thought, of course he drives a BMW. My apologies to all the careful and respectful BMW drivers out there.

The movie got better and better. One of the “packages” turned out to be human. Yes, there was an attractive babe-in-a-bag stuffed in his trunk. Now Buddy had a bunch of stupid rules he lived by and naturally, at just the right time he broke all his own rules. Otherwise there wouldn’t be a movie, right? So it was no surprise that the babe-in-a-bag, who was unhurt – her make-up wasn’t even smeared – wound up aggressively seducing our hero and making him breakfast too.

Unfortunately the bad guys tracked them down and fired guided missiles at Buddy’s spectacular house by the beach, blowing it to smithereens. Unfortunately for the bad guys they didn’t aim their missiles well enough to hit their targets. Fortunately, there was an escape hatch direct to the ocean, complete with an extra set of scuba gear ready and waiting, so our hero and the babe could dive to safety.

Somewhere deep down, Buddy had a heart of gold (you knew that, right?). The babe’s father was involved with a human smuggling ring and even though our hero had rules forbidding such a thing, he was compelled to get involved. Of course.

Another character added colour to the film – a heavy-smoking French police inspector, who knew that Buddy had been up to no good but more-or-less left him alone because he didn’t cause trouble. When lavish homes in his jurisdiction gtt blowed up good, though, he really had no choice but to arrest our hero. Fortunately he saw the light and let Buddy escape so he could shut down the human smuggling ring and release the victims.

This film had action, lots of car chases, explosions aplenty, bad acting, more than its fair share of stereotypes – oh and did I mention martial arts? Yes, Buddy was a top-rate martial arts expert who beat beat the pants off plenty of ne’er-do-wells. The movie sort of even had a plot, but that was kind of besides the point.

There are two kinds of really bad movies – the ones you just can’t watch, and the ones you just can’t seem to turn off, even though you should know better. I couldn’t turn this one off. Tuffy P came home during the film, saw what I was watching and decided to read the paper, with me in the background offering up a play-by-play.

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